Malty

Lemon drops makes her wise

Mom: In high school you were so ready for it to be over. That’s how you are. You want something and you want it now.
Me: so? I’m driven.
Mom: but you don’t enjoy the drive to get there.

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“

Well, this is not a boat accident!

—

Hooper: JAWS

I would like this to be quoted at my funeral

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I’m a drunk eater. Its terrible but true. I will be healthy all day long but once I had a couple shots of whiskey and a couple beers, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up in a sea of tacobell wrappers.

NOT ANY MORE! I’ve been in LOVE with Wholly Guacamole 100 calorie packs. I scarf them down and wake up not feel like something like took a shit and died. Seriously, its so tasty… drunk and sober.

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googly eye stamp, I love you so

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o_O weird mouse face

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My post-it note confession

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Hey Hangover

I gave you water and advil and you still proceed to hurt my head and insides. You have left me no choice then to smoother you with triple soy lattes and cheddar bagles.

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I’m a sucker for big hair

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“

If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

— fight club

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three50eight:

coffee!

Reblogged from dongle extraordinaire

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My tights are not fitting me correctly and I feel like I’m five, with the crotch of the tights working its way down to my knees and now I’m walking like a pengiun. not a cute pengiun either

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I didn’t bring him to share

I have a friend who is a ho. Scratch that, she’s not my friend. She is just a girl who I know through people who hangs out with us far too much, which is weird because we never call her, she just shows up. Well this chick sleeps with anything that will have her and for those who don’t want her, she gets them wasted, tells them about her lack of gag reflex and BAM they go home with her.

Chick and I just got into a fight recently about why I don’t bring my ‘boys’ around for her to meet. 1. gross 2. fear they will get something from her 3. boys are NOT a pot luck. I do not bring them places to share with others and if I do bring them around, treat them like an amazing pair of shoes: compliment me on them, say you wished you had some like that and move on.

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Hey country song that I’m being forced to listen to by my coworker…

No girl has ever taught a tracker was sexy.

ugh

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